The United States House of Representatives issued an article of impeachment against President Donald Trump yesterday after learning Trump rides a Huffy.
House Resolution 6969 states Donald John Trump, President of the United States, is impeached for the high crime of riding a glorified piece of shit. This allegation will be presented to the US Senate in an upcoming trial.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi signed the article of impeachment days after learning about the accusation, which Trump denies despite photo evidence refuting his denial.
“It’s so sad and tragic for the United States that Donald Trump’s bike choice has brought us to this place,” she said after signing the documents. “Now the entire world views us not only as road riders, but also as Huffy riders.”
In a surprising non-partisan move, House Republicans echoed her sentiment, noting that Trump is a billionaire and the President of the United States, and he can ride any bike he wants.
“I mean, seriously, who the hell would ride that fucking thing?” said Republican Representative Mark Meadows. “This pisses me off so bad I’m willing to lose the White House chief of staff appointment over it.”
Trump asked House Republicans to produce a report defending his bike choice, but in an unprecedented move, none agreed to guard the president from the accusation. Trump alone is defending his actions, calling the impeachment a brazen, baseless attack aiming to thwart his re-election in 2020.
Even Republican Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said the President’s actions are inexcusable. He said he won’t bother setting up any rules for the impeachment hearing because riding a Huffy is such an embarrassment and egregious disregard for presidential decorum.
“I can’t even,” he said. “Normally, I would make things as difficult as possible for anyone attacking the President, but when it comes to riding Huffys, we must unite as Americans against a common enemy.”
When polled, 99% of Americans said they favor Trump’s ousting, given the fact he rides a Huffy. The one percent who disagreed were the people who thought Huffy’s White Heat was pretty cool.
It now appears that Trump will make history, becoming the first US President to be forced out of the White House by impeachment.
“I totally hate the guy, but we’re simply doing what America wants,” said Pelosi. “I’d impeach myself if I rode a Huffy.”
McConnell agreed, saying this whole Huffy thing is so embarrassing he’s considering becoming a Democrat, or possibly leaving politics altogether.
“I’ve never been so ashamed to be an American,” he said.