GNARTICLES

Satan Pleased With Social Distance Group Ride

MakyFoto/Midia

Hawk Hill, UT—Hundreds of mountain bikers amassed south of Salt Lake City last weekend to participate in the first-ever Hawk Hill social distance group ride.

The event was unplanned, but successful, according to participants.

“This was a fantastic event, and I ran into so many other riders on the trails,” said mountain biker Mikelle Dumas as she shared a Gatorade with a friend. “I know we’ve been asked not to gather in groups, but that doesn’t count if you’re outside.”

Lord of the Underworld, Satan, said he’d loved seeing so many people crammed on the trails.

“God and I have reserved a special place in hell for anyone needlessly endangering others with a COVID-19 infection,” said Satan. “The way things are going my army of minions who are forced to eternally do my bidding is actually growing almost as fast as coronavirus cases.”

Dozens of cars lined the streets and parking lots near the Hawk Hill trails. Strava data showed riders passing one another on the multi-directional trails, meaning riders were often violating the health department-suggested distance of six feet between individuals.

“I only had contact with nine people and I was only coughed on three times,” said Dumas. “I’m not too concerned. I saw a Facebook post saying coronavirus is nothing to worry about so it’s not a big deal.”

While the elderly and those with weakened immune systems are most at risk for contracting the novel coronavirus, there have been several instances of young, healthy people being infected and hospitalized, something Satan is really excited about.

“Oh yeah, if you infect a totally healthy person, God said I can make your eternal damnation exceedingly painful,” he said. “Think Dave Matthews Band on repeat while every person you encounter is a juggalo. Kinda like that.”

Doctor Anthony Fauci, Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, said Sunday the United States could see millions of cases of COVID-19 infections and as 100,000 deaths or more based on current models.

Satan said that’s great news, but hopes for more. He may get his wish.

“My family is coming in from New York City next week,” said Dumas. “I can’t wait to get them together with my friends here in Utah and show them our awesome trail system.”

2 Comments

2 Comments

  1. Alec Jordan

    April 14, 2020 at 8:54 pm

    Obviously this article is fake news, Hawk Hill doesn’t even exist in Utah. The closest we have to that is Eagle Mountain, in which I didn’t see anyone on my morning ride at 5 AM. I even posted about it on all Utah biking pages I could find so people could know that I went out biking and didn’t see anybody. It’s the writer of this article has never ridden there, for if he was there at 5AM like I usually am he would see nobody else is there.

    • Chief of Staph

      April 17, 2020 at 4:50 am

      Hawk Hill is a Marin bike.

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