Gnar Couch Useless, but entertaining. Fri, 18 Sep 2020 13:58:06 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Gnar Couch 32 32 170889269 XC Rider Tells Paraplegic on EBike to “Earn Your Turns” Fri, 18 Sep 2020 13:57:30 +0000 Brown County, IN—A Brown County, Indiana man who is paralyzed from the waist down was stunned this week when a cross-country rider told him to earn his turns.

“My legs don’t even fucking work,” said Percy Veranse. “I think I earned my turns when I lost use of them rescuing a child during the Iraq War.”

Veranse was confronted by XC rider Guy LaDouche on North Tower Loop while riding his specially made, battery-powered recumbent eBike. LaDouche—seemingly, for no real reason, and ignoring the obvious fact that Veranse’s legs are disabled—angrily questioned Veranse about the bike, saying it is against the rules to ride it, and he should be “pedaling like everyone else.”

“Working legs or not, everyone should earn their turns,” said LaDouche. “Imagine being out here sweating your ass off in a skin-tight jersey when some entitled paraplegic dangerously burns past you at two miles per hour, ripping apart the trail.”

LaDouche said he wouldn’t be surprised if more paralyzed riders started showing up and enjoying trail rides, an idea which makes him sick to his stomach.

“We simply can’t have everyone out here pretending their Paul Basagoitia, using eBikes to better their lives,” said LaDouche. “If you can’t pedal a regular mountain bike, you don’t deserve the happiness mountain bike brings.”

Veranse said he plans to continue riding his eBike, regardless of LaDouche’s stance on the matter.

“That guy is a huge asshole so I’m not all that concerned about his opinion,” said Veranse. “I actually just upgraded my bike’s motor and jumped ahead of him on all STRAVA segments so I’m enjoying riding now more than ever.”

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Proud DINK Bike Dads Post Back to School Photos of Bikes Mon, 24 Aug 2020 16:24:25 +0000 DRAPER, UT—As pumpkin-spice mothers across the country post photos of their children smiling from the front porch on their first day of school, double-income-no-kid (DINK) dads are doing the same with their mountain bikes.

Mark Freyrder was among the DINK fathers who proudly showed off his bikes on the first day of school.

“I’m just so proud of my Rocky Mountain Maiden World Cup,” said Mark Freryder. “It looks so cute sitting there with its little trail pack full of weed, PBR and Honey Stingers.”

This idiot can’t spell “to” correctly.

Freryder and his wife, who have high-paying jobs and no children, have assembled a quiver of eight bikes, including high-end downhill, trail, dirt jumper and e-bikes for each of them. They also regularly travel for bike trips, often on a whim because they have so much money and no real responsibility outside of work.

Despite their awesome lives, DINK bike owners say they often feel left out as parents across the country post photos of kids on the first day of school.

“Actually, I only say I feel left out to be nice,” said Freryder. “Have fun dealing with COVID school while my wife and I are schralpin’ the Bellingham crispies and taking helicopter shuttles for the next two weeks.”

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For Sale: Custom 1913 Downhill Mountain Bike, $6,900 Sun, 12 Jul 2020 05:20:17 +0000 Selling my vintage 1913 downhill mountain bike.

This is a one-of-a-kind custom bike, hand-built by my Uncle Jeb before he died of the Spanish flu in 1918. Bike’s age can be confirmed by counting rings in the frame.

While most people prefer carbon or aluminum and bikes with pedals, few know of the benefits of riding a tree branch with a wooden knot stuffed in your anus. It’s much more secure than any clipless pedals, and extremely pleasing in the rough stuff.

With no steering or drivetrain, this vintage rig is perfect for the fixie fan looking to one-up fellow hipsters.

Normal wear and tear from being 107 years old, and typical scratches/weathering expected from being an ancient fucking tree branch. Some poo on the anal knob.

This is the only bike like this in the world so the price is firm.

Follow me, then DM me on TikTok if interested. Profile: gotwood069069

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Ask the Idiotor – Eight Ways to Ensure Your Bike Gets Stolen Fri, 10 Jul 2020 06:57:00 +0000 Dear Chief of Staph,

I’ve noticed an increase in bike thefts over the past few years. It seems like having your bike stolen is becoming more popular. Is there anything I can do to increase the chances of my bike being stolen?

Jerry Rimmer, Salt Lake City


There are eight things you can do that I’m aware of to ensure your bike is stolen quickly and effectively, but only eight exactly. No more, and no less.

1: Go for artisan pizza after your ride.

Generally speaking, you should choose a wood-fired pizzeria in an up-and-coming, gentrified neighborhood. You want to make sure there are just enough overpriced restaurants balanced with drug addicts who haven’t been vacated from the neighborhood yet. A ratio of two homeless encampments to each pizzeria selling eight-inch pizzas with toppings like feta, arugula and artichokes for $18, as opposed to 14-inch sausage and pepperoni pizzas for $12 is optimal. Make sure you leave your bike on the rack to virtue signal your indifference to the reality that it’s about to get stolen. This leads to our next tip.

2: Assume your rack’s bike lock is indestructible.

Rationalize leaving your bike in plain view in a busy urban environment by securing it to your rack with your one-quarter inch lock. Suppress any logic telling you that cable cutters are available at Harbor Freight for $20 and leave your bike clearly visible. When your bike is stolen, let stupefaction take hold first, then move on to sadness and anger.

3: Store your bike in a structure detached from your house.

One of the most important things you can do to ensure that your bike is stolen is to store it somewhere other than inside your house. Detached garages and sheds with no security features and minimal locks are optimal. The farther you locate your detached structure from your house, the better. Assume locked garage (or shed) and entry doors are enough to deter an intruder. After all, your bike is only worth $4000, and very few street criminals are willing to kick in a door for such a small return. It also helps to never lock your bike to something inside your garage or shed. Just lean it against the wall, the lawn spreader you bought in 2006 but never used, or another valuable bike. To increase the chance that your bike is stolen, just leave the doors unlocked, or perhaps leave them open. If you choose the latter, do so during the day so you sound extra surprised your bike was stolen when you post about it in Facebook groups.

4: Post photos of your bike and your STRAVA rides online.

Research shows it’s very difficult for bike thieves to gain access to online bike groups so it’s nearly 100% safe to post photos of your bike and information about every single ride to your group. It’s best to post info that allows easy access to your home address. To make the most out of social media, share this information on as many platforms as possible.

5: Live in the Suburbs

Living in the suburbs will strengthen your resolve that bad things can’t happen to you, making it easier for you to have your bike stolen. Shielding yourself from the realities of urban life while complaining on Instagram about the difficulty of parenting is an extremely effective way to construct an inaccurate understanding of life in the city, where most bikes are stolen. It’s particularly helpful to reject the notion that any person could harbor any ill intent toward you in the name of political correctness, despite the fact they’re obviously criminal. This leads to tip number six.

6: Never take part in behavioral profiling.

It is inappropriate and even prejudiced to assume someone may steal your bike based on appearance or behavior. If you notice a guy in oversized Dickies covered in dirt, wearing a peacoat in July, holding cable cutters peering suspiciously around the corner as you lock your bike on its rack, do the compassionate thing and go about your business without worry. Peacoats on 96-degree days are trending, and cable cutters are diverse tools that could be used for activities other than cutting bike cables, like smashing car windows to steal backpacks and pocket change. Pretend you have nothing to worry about.

7: Just leave your bike unlocked while you do something else.

There are a number of things you can do while leaving your bike unlocked, including “quickly” running into a coffee shop for a $7 latte, enjoying meatless omelette at a vegan restaurant, riding another bike at the bike park, having the hairdresser re-shave your undercut, buying overpriced IPA beer from a local brewery, etc. You can even sit in your own backyard dipping veggie straws in fry sauce, completely oblivious to what may be happening in your front yard, where your bike rests unguarded. What exactly you choose to do is less important than the fact that you ignore the possibility of your bike being stolen.

8: Have kids.

Children are great at leaving doors open, forgetting to put things away and being irresponsible in general. They can nearly double the chance your bike will be stolen, according to recent research. And, when your bike is stolen, you can shift all the blame to them instead of owning the fact that you failed in your attempts to instill any responsibility in them whatsoever. 

I certainly hope this guide helps you in your future endeavors as a bike theft victim. I’m looking forward to future forum posts about your stolen bike.

– Chief of Staph

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Despite Photo Evidence, Virtue Signaling Salt Lake City Man Denies Meth Head Stole his Bike Sat, 27 Jun 2020 00:16:27 +0000 SALT LAKE CITY—A Salt Lake City man who often criticizes others for profiling when they post photos of meth heads on stolen bikes recently had his bike stolen by a meth head, but he’s denying that reality in the ultimate virtue signal.

Naivé Gulibalé said a photo depicting a man wearing dirty jean shorts, boots with no soles and a blanket with holes cut in it for a shirt—riding a custom $9000 2019 Specialized Stumpjumper S-Works exactly like his missing bike—isn’t necessarily evidence that the man stole his bike, nor is it evidence the man is riding his stolen bike.

“We can’t simply assume because he’s riding a bike exactly like mine, that he is actually riding my bike,” said Gulibalé. “It’s just as likely he spent all his money on an exact copy of my bike, and that’s why he can’t afford an actual shirt.”

Gulibalé further explained that being sensible about bike theft marginalizes an already vulnerable population before placing a meth awareness frame on his Facebook profile photo, in which he’s wearing a protective coronavirus mask. When asked specifically how he helps meth addicts, he responded, “Didn’t you see my photo frame?” 

Gulibalé admits that every aspect of the bike in the photo is similar to his stolen bike. He said the bike in the photo appears to have blue Canfield Crampon pedals, a scratch on the right side stanchion on the Fox Factory 36 and a sticker bearing his name. However, the bike may not be his, he said.

“Perhaps this gentleman’s name is also Naivé Gulibalé. We can’t rule that out,” said Gulibalé. “And despite the fact that the guy riding this bike lives under the I-80/15 freeway overpass, he may very well have the means to purchase $150 pedals.”

As for the scratch on the fork, Gulibalé said it’s likely at some point the guy in the photo was riding the exact same trail as him and crashed the exact same way.  

Gulibalé said he flagged the post and had it removed because it was inappropriate and insensitive, and because he doubted the bike belonged to him.

“At the end of the day, I can’t say that the bike in the photo—which has my name on it and looks like mine in every conceivable way—is definitely my bike,” said Gulibalé. “But I do hope someday my bike is found.”

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“$5 a Month for Strava is too Expensive,” Says Guy with $60,000 Sprinter Van and $11,000 Bike Sat, 30 May 2020 03:59:19 +0000 BOZEMAN, MT—A surly Bozeman adventurer is among those refusing to pay $5 a month to access popular Strava features, calling the app’s new subscription fees “outrageous,” while posting anti-Strava memes all over social media.

Digby N. Kengrewent says he can’t believe a company would ask people to pay for a service and he’s already deleted the app from his iPhone 11 Pro.

“I’ve already spent $60,000 on my Sprinter van and $11,000 on my Pivot Mach 5.5,” said Kengruent as he packed Patagonia gear in a Arc’teryx backpack for a month-long tour of the western United States. “What am I supposed to do, stop feeding my dog grain-free, organic dog food so I can compete for KOM?”

Kengrewent admits to only using Strava about three times, but says he’s discontented about the new subscription fees because he hasn’t been outraged by anything in the bike industry since boost spacing, which he derided in an incoherent post about a possible bike industry conspiracy in a Pinkbike forum post.

“The only reason any company exists is to rip us off,” he said. “It’s highly unlikely that any of them are offering products that improve riding experience or that people might enjoy.”

Many, like Kengrewent, have lamented Strava’s move away from tier-based subscriptions in favor of a flat rate. The changes place leaderboards beyond the paywall, meaning users can no longer brag about being in a three-way tie for 13th place on their favorite section of trail without forking over $7.99 per month or $59.99 for a year’s subscription.

Those who choose not to subscribe will still have access to the app for personal tracking so they can make riding less fun, but will have to rely on internal satisfaction when they set PRs without anyone knowing.

Kengrewent said he plans on remaining aggravated about Strava’s changes until a new bike standard is introduced or the price of another product is increased. Until then, he’ll continue to post anti-Strava memes from his iPhone or MacBook Pro at boutique coffee shops.

“Simply put, most people who have a $95 a month coffee habit can’t afford 16 cents a day to access things that should be free like Strava leaderboards,” said Kengrewent.

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Road Biker Mistakes Eating Disorder for Performance Diet Wed, 13 May 2020 03:42:09 +0000 BURLINGTON, IA—A Burlington road biker convinced he’s on a performance diet that includes chewing food and spitting it out to manage his weight actually has an eating disorder. 

41-year-old Tobias Eepio says he’s trying to gain a competitive edge by regulating his build so he can win the CAT-1 40–49 Iowa Memorial Cup Race Series and be the best in his age group at not getting paid to ride.

“There is an arbitrary trophy on the line and I’ll chew and spit out all the pizza it takes to win it,” said Eepio.

Eepio said his natural build is a lean and muscular 195 pounds, but he’s committed to a Daddy Long Neck-like emaciation if it means the top of the podium in August.

“I’d really like to drop 50 to 60 pounds within the next four weeks,” said Eepio. “I plan on chewing and spitting out at least two pizzas per day while maintaining a daily 2,000 calorie deficit.”

Eepio said he found his diet on “Wheelingness to Win,” an extreme road bike Instagram profile page whose bio reads, “You’re already losing by asking how to win.” Training and diet suggestions on the profile include purging anything you eat; training until you literally collapse; riding every day, regardless of fatigue and ignoring “bullshit advice from doctors”—something doctors don’t recommend.

“I’d highly advise against inanition as a performance or any diet, but what the fuck do I know?” said doctor and nutritionist Wolf N. Vittles. “I only went to school for eight years to learn about the human body and I don’t even have Instagram.”

Eepio says he’s also using several unapproved experimental supplements and procedures to counteract his performance diet (eating disorder) and provide him with energy, including vitamin B-12 suppositories, nebulized caffeine anhydrous, mule deer foreskin flakes and at-home potassium acupuncture. 

Strava data shows that Eepio’s segment times are decreasing while his speed is increasing. However, he’s pissed blood and fainted face down on the kitchen floor on multiple occasions according to his wife, who said she’s often feared he’s dead.

To Eepio, the regurgitated pizzas, blood and piss-soaked Lycra, anal insertions, wildlife sex organ consumption, puncture wounds, caffeine-induced heart arrhythmias, and his likely early and tragic death are worth it.

“I have one goal before I die,” said Eepio. “I’m taking that CAT-1 amateur trophy and having my name buried on page seven of the sports section, even if it means my children will grow up fatherless. See you on the podium.”

*Editor’s note: Eepio technically died soon after this interview, but was resuscitated immediately with a syringe full of pure adrenaline his wife found in his jersey pocket. It was labeled “GO FAST SYRUM.”

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Scientists: Kyle is Punching Drywall in Search for Lost Fox Hat Sun, 10 May 2020 16:31:19 +0000 FAYETTEVILLE, AR—A team of University of Arkansas scientists say they’ve finally discovered why Kyle has been punching holes in drywall.

“It appears Kyle has oppressed the memory of losing his flat-bill, pinstriped Fox hat, and is going around punching holes in drywall in a subconscious search for it,” said Dr. Harry Dikkenbalz, the University of Arkansas psychologist who led the study. “Once Kyle has punctured the wall, he’ll ultimately look inside for the hat.”

The project’s biochemistry lead, Dr. Herman Stinyween added that 160 milligrams of caffeine—the amount in one can of Monster Energy Drink—is the exact amount required to trigger the memories, and thus, aggression in Kyle.

“Biologically speaking, we’re not sure exactly how the caffeine interacts with the brain’s synapses, but it seems to somehow subconsciously trigger memories of Kyle’s Fox hat,” said Stinyween. “After a Monster Energy drink is when the search commences and drywall is in real danger.”

Before the study, Kyle’s friends, and even Kyle himself, had been unsure why he randomly punched holes in drywall. While an asshole for doing things like breaking promises to friends and family, vaping nonstop and driving a lowered 1996 Honda Civic with a giant Monster Energy sticker across the entire back window, Kyle has never been particularly violent.

“It makes sense,” said Kyle’s friend and possible baby’s mama, Brittnee Quean. “He’d never punch an actual person. He’s way too big of a pussy for that. I’ve only seen him punch drywall, and it’s only after he’s had an energy drink.”

Researchers say there were also some indications that Kyle is genetically predisposed to punching drywall. The claim, based on a correlation between the ability and desire to grow chinstrap beards and Kyle-like behavior couldn’t be fully substantiated. Scientists said they plan to further investigate the relationship.

Until then, researchers say their initial findings should provide some protection for drywall.

“If you know Kyle is coming over and you want to protect both your drywall and that of others, simply keep a flat-bill Fox hat around and avoid purchasing Monster Energy Drink,” said Dikkenbalz. “We can’t keep Kyle from doing things like shopping at Hot Topic and listening to shitty emo metal, but we can do something to keep our walls intact.”

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Improved Trail Etiquette During Pandemic Upsetting Facebook Dicks Wed, 29 Apr 2020 01:57:16 +0000 KAYSVILLE, UT—A Kaysville, Utah man and dozens of others across the country are upset they can’t make negative Facebook posts after uneventful trail experiences during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Richard Rabble reported he rode a multi-use trail yesterday, encountering bikers, eBikers, runners and dogs, all of whom were courteous and observing social distancing, giving him nothing to bitch about in mountain bike forums.

“I sure miss the good ol’ days when bikers were chasing KOMs, uphill riders were throwing elbows at downhill traffic, hikers were stuffing sticks in bikers’ spokes, dogs were biting every human they came in contact with, eBikers were running everyone off the trail doing 20 miles-per-hour uphill and everyone was yelling at everyone else,” said Rabble.

Cooperation between user groups has been trending upward since everyone figured out sitting at home is way worse than sharing trails. In one case, a downhill rider yielded to an uphill rider who was yielding to a hiker who was yielding to a trail runner, and not one derogatory comment was spoken.

In another instance, a cross-country rider continued his ride without judgement after being passed by an eBiker on a climb.

“I just want to hate something or someone so bad,” said Rabble. “It really sucks when people are so nice.”

Editor’s note: Soon after this article was published, several mountain bikers, hikers and trail runners encountered huge piles of horse shit. Hikers and runners, angry after stepping in it, along with several mountain bikers, who had feces flip into their mouths, immediately united and created a new Facebook group called Equistrians Still Suck. It already has 69,000 members.

MTBSniper contributed to this report.

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Mountain Bikers Shaving Weight by Riding Barefoot Fri, 24 Apr 2020 13:53:24 +0000 MONTEREY, CA—Clipless pedals are out. Flats are in.

In a trend sweeping the mountain bike world, riders of all disciplines are going barefoot to shave weight and improve lap times.

The unusual idea originated in the professional cross-country discipline, but has since trickled down to casual trail riders and weekend warriors.

“I can’t say I particularly enjoy the pedals’ pins piercing the tender flesh of my underfoot, the blood loss, or the constant infections, but this is a hell of a lot easier than losing weight,” said Brian Hamlegg as he snacked on a pre-ride Baconator from Wendy’s.

On average, going barefoot reduces overall weight by 900 grams, or roughly two pounds, an amount of weight almost any person can lose in two to three weeks through moderate diet and exercise. However, Hamlegg and many others prefer riding barefoot.

“I’m willing to overlook the crippling pain if it means I don’t have to eat kale,” said Hamlegg. “I mean, I finish each ride a little woozy from losing so much blood, but I’m also down two-and-a-half seconds on average on all my rides.”

Post-barefoot ride festivities.

While it seems detrimental, the blood loss from barefoot riding is beneficial for two reasons. First, riders are technically also losing weight when they nearly bleed out during a ride. Second, many riders have noted improved trail conditions—especially in drier regions—as the gallons upon gallons of blood add moisture to trails, replacing hero dirt with what riders are now calling hemo dirt.

Aside from the permanent damage to foot muscles and fascia from sharp pedal pins—which is easily negated by improved STRAVA times—there is one potential drawback of riding barefoot.

Some riders have noted slippage, which is amplified by small bumps and considerably troublesome on jumps, as the blood pours from their feet.

“Fresh foot blood can be a bit more lubricious than you think,” said Hamlegg. “Of course, that’s an easy fix. We just have to figure out a way to surgically implant clipless cleats into the human foot.”

As of now, no doctors are condoning barefoot riding, saying it could easily lead to chronic foot issues, severe lacerations and puncture wounds, broken bones and possibly foot amputation. It would just be easier, they say, to lose a couple pounds.

Hamlegg isn’t so sure.

“Why put in all that work?” he said. “I’m actually ditching my helmet and all of my clothing, and hot waxing my entire body too. I’ll shave another .2 seconds on my very next ride.”

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