VAIL, CO—Ski resorts confirmed this week they suspended all mountain bike trail maintenance in July to redirect resources toward snowmaking operations for an August ski season opener. The decision has left trails across the country blown out, rutted, and nearly unrideable during peak bike season.
Executives said the shift was about financial priorities. “Why would we waste time fixing berms for bikers who sneak Natty Light into their hydration packs?” asked Randall Greaves, vice president of shareholder happiness at SnowBro Resorts. “Skiers will pay $27 for a hamburger made out of sadness and a Cysco patty and $18 for a Coors Light. They’re way dumber than mountain bikers. It’s an easy choice.”
Greaves added that trail crews had little say in the matter. “Our trail crew begs for more help every year,” he said. “But we’re not going to waste money on bikes when that cash could go toward enticing doctors and investment bankers. If the trails are garbage, it just means we can shut them down earlier and start charging $50 dollars a day for lockers sooner.”
To prepare, the resorts halted maintenance in midsummer and poured $420 million into installing over 6900 miles of industrial-grade coolant tubing, the same type used in NHL ice rinks. Officials said the system will allow them to freeze 666 million gallons of water into four inches of skiable August ice. “If Phoenix can keep hockey alive, we can keep powder alive in the middle of summer,” Greaves said.
The July shutdown already wrecked trails. Riders say conditions now resemble a war zone crossed with a fetish dungeon. “Every lap feels like riding a Sybian through a gravel quarry,” said Ryder Marshall, a season pass holder. “The brake bumps aren’t bumps anymore. They’ve evolved into mini mountains the resort will probably start charging separate access fees for. You need a chiropractor on speed dial after two runs.”
Asked about alienating riders, Greaves was dismissive. “Feelings don’t pay dividends. Snowmaking does.”
Industry observers expect more resorts to adopt the plan. For now, most bikers admit they’ll still show up, calling it a $70 lift ticket for the privilege of getting jackhammered by brake bumps like a gentrified city sidewalk. “My wife kinda likes the violent, Sybian-type ride honestly,” said Marshall. “So the resort is ruining both my riding experience and my sex life this summer.”
SnowBro Resorts has already unveiled a new marketing slogan for the strategy icing mountain biking: “Powder before pedals, fuck mountain bikers.”
