Professional downhill racing has officially merged sport with body horror after Canadian rider Jackson Goldstone stormed to the 2025 UCI World Cup Championship in a kit so tight it looked like it had been poured onto him by a team of fetish-club interns.
Inspired by Goldstone’s success, several World Cup riders are preparing for the 2026 season by grafting polyester and elastane—more commonly referred to as Spandex—directly onto their bodies.
The painful process involves shaving athletes head to toe and coating them in a bonding agent described by German bioengineer Hans van Graftenburg as “a mixture of epoxy, Gorilla Glue and Monster Energy.” Polyester panels are stretched across their skin, then sealed in place with extreme heat. Elastane fibers are threaded into muscle tissue, leaving racers with permanently elastic flesh.
“It’s excruciating,” said one French competitor. “But you can’t podium anymore unless you look like you were born inside a condom.”
Medical crews have already reported rashes, burns, and the complete disintegration of several nipples. Officials say they won’t ban the practice, noting no explicit rule exists against it, though they cautioned riders to avoid campfires. “The material is highly flammable,” the UCI said in a statement.
Sponsors are already exploiting the shift, with SRAM announcing a “permanent logo package” allowing decals to be seared into athletes’ thighs during the grafting process.
While riders insist it’s purely performance-based, critics are unsure about the practice. “I’m not so sure it’s a good idea to surgically alter your body to look like a blow-up doll shrink-wrapped in sponsor logos,” said a team member who wished to remain anonymous. “But, then again, I’m a mechanic and pretty much nothing makes me happy.”
Fans are expected to see the consequences at the first crash in Lourdes. Unlike torn jerseys, crashes will now leave strips of steaming polyester-skin hybrid on the track. “They’re basically mannequins with organs now,” one medic said.
As for performance gains, scientists say the grafts may save riders “a few milliseconds per run.” Riders say that’s worth looking like an alien who forgot his pants if it leads to slightly faster times.
