COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — In what experts are calling the most aggressive marginal gain in cycling history, local cross-country rider Armin Lessman confirmed Tuesday that he has surgically removed both of his arms in an effort to save weight before race season.
Lessman, 29, said the decision came after reviewing his power-to-weight ratio and realizing his upper limbs were contributing “nearly useless mass” to his climbing efficiency. “I wasn’t working them out anyway,” he explained, speaking through a hydration pack straw held between his teeth. “They were just kind of hanging there. Noodles. Zero definition. Pure drag coefficient.”
According to Lessman, who described his physique as “optimized for Strava,” the arms served little functional purpose beyond occasional steering and braking. “If I could just remove my torso entirely and mount my head directly to my pelvis, I would,” he said. “That’s the ideal climbing setup. Minimal frontal area. Pure watts per kilo.”
Early field tests have revealed minor complications, including difficulty cornering, braking, and maintaining balance over technical terrain. Witnesses reported Lessman wobbling into a shrub during a Tuesday group ride after attempting to steer using only subtle hip movements. “So far, it’s causing some issues with steering,” he admitted. “But shaving over 18 pounds of non-functional tissue? Worth it.”
Critics in the local cycling community were less enthusiastic. “Already having a body that looked like a Dallas twink seemed like enough of a sacrifice,” said one club member, requesting anonymity. “Cutting your own arms off feels excessive. Even for XC.”
Lessman dismissed such concerns, insisting that engaging in any upper-body training would have compromised his performance metrics. “You think I’m going to do a bench press and risk adding muscle mass?” he asked. “That’s how you lose KOMs. The moment you do something remotely masculine, your watts per kilo plummet. I have no choice but to look like a 15-year-old girl with hyperthyroidism and an array of gastrointestinal diseases. It’s about commitment.”
Despite mounting medical bills and what physicians described as “catastrophic biomechanical oversight,” Lessman says he plans further refinements before race day. “Next step is bone density optimization,” he said. “I’m looking into hollowing out a femur. Every gram counts.”
