CDC Study Shows Mountain Biking Preferred Over COVID-19


A new study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) suggests people prefer mountain biking over COVID-19.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, said the findings apply to people across the board.

“Some people didn’t even know what mountain biking was, and we found that they much preferred it to this COVID-19 bullshit,” said Fauci. “It’s rare for every single person in a study to agree on something, but the overall sentiment is the COVID-19 fucking sucks.”

The CDC used random selection to deliver a survey to 100,000 people in several formats, asking respondents dozens of questions about mountain biking and COVID-19. In another rarity, everyone who received a survey responded.

“We gained some serious insight into the complete and total disdain America has for COVID-19,” said Fauci. “In the open-ended section of the survey, at least 90,000 of the respondents indicated they wanted the disease to ‘fuck off’ and said they would much rather be mountain biking than worrying about it.

That people prefer mountain biking to COVID-19 isn’t all that astonishing, given the fact that scientists have found that mountain biking is “fun as fuck,” while also finding that COVID-19 “can suck a dick” in previous studies. 

What is slightly surprising is that many of the respondents said they would rather be injured while mountain biking than deal with COVID-19.

“At this point, I’d rather take my chances running into a tree on purpose than sit in my 650 square-foot apartment and watch one more perfect riding day pass me by,” said one respondent.

“I would OTB on to my face and knock a couple of teeth out if it would get rid of COVID-19 and reopen our trails,” said another respondent.

Even roadies indicated they prefer mountain biking over COVID-19, with one saying he’d sell his Specialized Venge S-Works, buy a mountain bike, stop shaving his legs, ride in baggy shorts and cease all STRAVA use if it meant the end of COVID-19.

Fauci said the large-scale study, untainted by selection bias or any other limitation, suggests something never before seen in America.

“What we have here is a total consensus,” he said. “Every single person in America wishes COVID-19 would fuck off so we can get back to mountain biking and normal life.”

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