GNARTICLES

Mountain Biker Realizes IPA Tastes Like Shit

Matan Segev

MOUNT SHASTA, CA—A Mount Shasta mountain biker was stunned Tuesday night when he realized the IPA he was drinking actually tasted like shit.

“I was just sitting there having a good time post-ride with the boys when I realized the beer I was drinking tasted like someone carbonated a 90-year-old’s testicle sweat,” said Shastafarians Group Ride member Billy Ferda. 

The beer Ferda was drinking, HopCrotch IPA, whose name is witty wordplay on hopscotch and the fact that it’s literally brewed from ball sweat and nuclear-concentrated hops, has an IBU rating of 59,000. It’s the most bitter and sought-after IPA made, despite the fact that it tastes fucking awful. 

According to Ferda, several other riders were enjoying the beer when he came to his realization. He emphatically pleaded with them that the beer they were drinking tasted terrible, but they vigorously defended HopCrotch, telling Ferda he’d learn to love it if he just drank more of it.

He was pushed particularly hard to enjoy the brew by underweight, cantankerous vegan XC racers with beards and tattoo sleeves.

“They told me I just have to drink more to get used to it,” said Ferda. “Then they justified its shittiness by telling me it’s craft-brewed by a one-man team—whatever the fuck that means— in an old bread factory in Fort Collins as if that would somehow make it taste better.”

Furthermore, Ferda said Hopscotch IPA comes with a hefty price tag, about $32 dollars for a six-pack. Fans of the beer say it’s worth it.

“Hopcrotch is great,” said Ashton Crosspatch. “And I’m not saying that because it’s expensive and it has a cool-looking label on it. Things that taste like shit actually taste good, especially when they taste like floor cleaner.”

Ferda said he’ll maintain his new-found position on IPAs, at least until he gets gauge earrings and starts wearing tall vintage biker boots.

Until then, Crosspatch said he’s happy to promote IPAs.

“Knowing about beer makes me smarter than other people and allows me to act like a pretentious dick,” he said. “It’s a super useful skill.”

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