SUMMARY
Last Monday at work, as you ate a stale blueberry Dunkin donut with your fly half-unzipped while telling a story about your weekend riding, you claimed to have hit a 10-foot drop. As has been the case with many of your mountain bike stories, this claim was not factual.
– You began your story by saying, “We were freeriding last weekend in Wisconsin.”
– You said the drop you hit was “at least 10-feet tall.”
– You described the drop as “super-gnarly.”
– You claimed to have “hucked it to flat” on your first attempt.
– You said, “No one else would try it, but I was like, ‘Fuck it.”
These claims were made to two co-workers–one male, whose desk is decorated with Star Wars paraphernalia and had no idea what you were talking about, nor any interest in your story, and the other a female, who stared at TikTok dance videos the entire time and was unaware you were talking–Monday afternoon outside of a conference room following a weekly meeting in which you paid no attention as you drew 37 hot dogs in your planner.
ANALYSIS
Freeriding in Wisconsin
You began your story by claiming you were freeriding in Wisconsin. This is an impossibility for several reasons. First, there is no such thing as freeriding in Wisconsin. Second, if you were in Wisconsin, you were drunk like all the other people there and would have been incapable of freeriding. Finally, sustaining the balance required for freeriding is impossible when you’re shitting your pants after eating a pound of cheese curds.
The 10-Foot Tall Drop
Multiple YouTube and Instagram clips of the drop in question suggest that the drop is four feet tall, lip to lip. Even if you did huck to flat as claimed, the drop is still only four feet tall. Investigators suggest that the maximum possible drop height couldn’t be more than eight feet, even if it was hucked to flat. There is also the reality that the drop is, again, only four feet tall.
The Drop was Super-Gnarly
Drops that are four feet tall are not gnarly. No further analysis is needed.
Hucked to Flat
While telling your story, you claimed to have hucked to flat. While this is certainly possible, it’s false because you ride slow as shit. STRAVA shows you’ve never topped nine miles per hour on any section of trail.
No One Else Would Try It
The reason no one else would try it is because you were with two friends who started riding three weeks ago. Brandon rides a 2003 Trek 8000 and Pete was technically on a commuter bike. According to reliable sources, being better than either of them isn’t a big accomplishment.
CONCLUSION
Evidence shows that you did not hit a 10-foot drop. Furthermore, you’re not talented enough to hit a drop of such magnitude should you encounter one. Being better than two Joeys is not impressive, nor is your story accurate. Our fact-checkers have determined your story is false.
