WASHINGTON, DC — The Pentagon has officially classified Surron electric motorcycle riders as terrorists and approved the use of electromagnetic pulse devices by trail and bike park managers, following what officials described as “overwhelming evidence of coordinated, repeated and intentional harm to jump lines.”
The determination comes after a Defense Department review of bike park incident reports, trail repair invoices, and social media footage showing electric motorcycles accelerating through freshly shaped lips while riders insisted the damage was “no worse than normal.” Analysts concluded the behavior met the federal definition of terrorism, citing deliberate infrastructure destruction in pursuit of ideological goals, namely being lazy, annoying cunts.
“We didn’t arrive at this lightly,” said Pentagon spokesperson Randall Blowmup. “But when a group repeatedly ignores posted rules, destroys critical infrastructure, radicalizes other teens, and leaves before accountability, the classification becomes unavoidable. Frankly, some of the groups we’ve dealt with overseas showed more respect for public works.”
With the designation finalized, the Pentagon greenlit a companion program authorizing the use of military-grade EMP devices at bike parks. The devices, supplied through a Delta Force surplus initiative, instantly disable nearby Surron motorcycles.
“This is the cleanest solution we’ve seen,” said Master Sgt. Tyler Kilmall, a Delta Force operator tasked with training trail managers in EMP deployment. “You don’t tackle anyone. You don’t yell. You just flip a switch and suddenly the rider eats shit onto his face. It’s elegant.”
Pentagon officials acknowledged a small number of “friendly fire” incidents during early testing, confirming that a limited number of pedal-assist e-bikes were disabled. Officials described the collateral damage as “minimal,” “regrettable,” and reiterated that e-bikers “aren’t cunty” like Surron riders, though they acknowledged their laziness.
Trail managers say the EMPs were only requested after all conventional deterrents failed, including signage, verbal warnings, arrest threats, and long Facebook posts that start with “Hey everyone, friendly reminder.” Once disabled, Surrons will be confiscated and stacked into compact piles that will serve as bases for new jump features.
“They ruin jumps, so now they are the jumps,” said park manager Lucas Stacker. “And that’s the icing on this proverbial dirt cake.”
