The Pedal Push-Hers, a women’s mountain biking group known for their love of two-wheeled adventures—and now a deep-seated disdain for the male species—abruptly canceled their weekly ride last week after a startling realization: they were in danger of actually having fun riding bikes instead of simply hating men.
While some newcomers and married members were left scratching their helmets, club president Gloria Stoanhim assured them that the decision was necessary after a particularly egregious incident—when a man had the audacity to smile and say hello as he passed them on the trail.
“The rampant misogyny and toxic masculinity in mountain biking have forced us to reexamine our mission,” Stoanhim declared. “Too many times, we’ve been objectified, marginalized, or—worst of all—forced to acknowledge the existence of men in shared outdoor spaces. Frankly, we no longer feel safe on the trails.”
Instead of riding, members gathered in the parking lot for an urgent PowerPoint presentation covering essential topics such as cynicism, vulnerable narcissism, DEI initiatives, and the ever-oppressive gender roles perpetuated by men who dare to breathe near mountain bikes. The evening concluded with a hashtag workshop to help members optimize their social media activism with the latest in feminist and queer-friendly engagement strategies.
The abrupt pivot was reportedly well-received.
“I loved learning that every single man on earth exists solely to belittle and oppress me,” said Beatrice Kirkup, who was only on her third ride with the group. “I mean, I’m mostly saying that because if I disagree, Gloria will probably call me a self-hating misogynist, a sexist, and likely a racist on social media.”
According to Stoanhim, the group’s leadership is now considering a new course of action—permanently canceling all rides in favor of full-time man-hating.
“It just makes sense,” she explained. “We formed this club under the assumption that mountain biking was about empowerment and camaraderie, but we’ve realized that focusing entirely on resentment is far more fulfilling.”
As the group’s direction is discussed, Stoanhim wants to remind prospective members that the Pedal Push-Hers MTB club is strictly for women—unless, of course, you’re a man who identifies as one.
