After Buying Bikes, Mountain Bikers are too Poor to Hoard Toilet Paper


BELLINGHAM, WA—While the rest of the United States is hoarding toilet paper, one group of people remains unaffected—mountain bikers.

Well known for ignoring basic necessities like food and reliable transportation in favor of carbon helmets, beer and hubs that sound cool, mountain bikers are seemingly unfazed by the country’s toilet paper shortage.

“I just spent $1,600 on wheels and $1,200 on an XO1 Eagle groupset,” said Brogan Brosman. “Even if I found some toilet paper, I wouldn’t be able to afford it. I’d still have to wipe my ass with my bath towel, but the way my Hydra hub sounds makes it worth it.”

According to the Syndicated Hygenic Association of Toilet Paper Engineers and Employees (SHATPEE), a toilet paper-manufacturing union (also cited in this story), mountain bikers spend an average of just $18.63 per year on toilet paper.

Meanwhile, Kelly Blue Book estimates that the average mountain biker’s car is only worth $1,850, while they typically pay no more than $300 a month to rent a room in a house with at least seven other mountain bikers in “a rad zone,” according to

However, mountain bikers spend an average of $26,969 a year riding thanks to expenses such as bikes, bike parts, bike racks, bike trips, bike park tickets and bike-related hospital visits and surgeries.

Like privacy and dependable vehicles, toilet paper simply isn’t on mountain bikers’ minds.

“Just last week I was about to go buy toilet paper when I noticed a DAKINE fanny pack with enough room for four PBRs at my local bike shop,” said Brosman. “I can only get two in my current pack so I obviously chose the pack over the toilet paper.”

Brosman said he spends significantly less on toilet paper than the $18.63 average, adding that either a few innertubes or 30-pack of Busch Light costs less than that.

He said he hasn’t even noticed a toilet paper shortage.

“The last time I even remember being in the toilet paper aisle was when I got lost looking for Febreze for my knee pads,” he said. “I got to run. My Tracfone’s minutes are almost up and I’m expecting a call about my Kashima dropper post any second now.”

Like this story? Then check out THIS ONE about coronavirus and knee pads.

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